Shopping for Happiness on Bleak Friday

What can we do to have a happy and meaningful life? Researchers say that happiness is not something that can be acquired or achieved through material possessions. Yet this year some 147 million Americans are rushing to find shopping bargains on the day after thanksgiving, a day known as Black Friday. If the shopping frenzy that is associated with this day is supposed to make us look forward to the holiday season, the day would be more apply labeled Bleak Friday.

Americans are bombarded with shopping possibilities. At the same time those of us who research happiness know that people are no happier now than they were in the past. Happiness has not increased since the 1950’s. Living standards have increased, but happiness has not. Only about 45 % of the richest Americans say that they are happy, whereas 33% of poorer Americans also say that they are happy. More than two thousand years ago, Aristotle said that more than anything else we seek happiness, either for its own sake or in other things we hope and work for such as money, beauty, health, power. We hope these things will make us happy. Once we get above the poverty level, however, material things do not make us happy. In fact there is nothing like shopping on a Black Friday, with the frenzy of showing, pushing, grabbing, to make one feel down and depressed.   

Thanksgiving is approaching. Traditionally it has one of the few days when shops were closed.  In the absence of commercial activity, people visited with family, ate, drank, and told stories, watched parades and sports on television, or read books. This tradition has now changed. As the paragraph below indicates, even Thanksgiving is no longer a day to be shared with family and friends. The sacred god of shopping has descended on the 4^th Thursday in November bringing with it incredible sales that evidently cannot be passed up.

NEW YORK — Target Corp. will open its doors at 9 p.m. on Thanksgiving, three hours earlier than a year ago, to kick off the holiday shopping season. The discounter joins several other major retailers, including WalMart Stores Inc., that are opening earlier in the evening on the holiday and staggering deals over the two-day period. Over the years, stores have been expanding their hours on Black Friday to get ahead of the competition, but the kickoff is increasingly happening right after shoppers finish their turkey feast.

Shopping can be fun; it can provide a brief uplifting feeling, a touch of excitement. But are we really giving up one of the few days a year when we can spend time with family, something that has been proven to actually make us happier and healthier, in order to shop. What are we shopping for? Is it for the people we leave at home on Thanksgiving in order to go and buy things to give them on Christmas, or Hanukkah, or Kwanza?   Will this shopping frenzy fulfill something that is missing from our life?

What does make us happy? Researchers agree that our genes help, our families and friends help, a sense of spirituality helps, goals help, what else? Psychologist Carol Ryff has proposed six key components of well-being and happiness. These include positive self-regard or self-acceptance, satisfying relationships, a sense of direction and purpose in life, feeling that one is using one’s potential and abilities, that our lives have a purpose; having choices in shaping life; and a sense of awareness that we can manage the stresses and demands of life. Happy people also choose to see the world and themselves in positive and affirming ways. They surround themselves with happy people. Those people are not to be found in WalMart on Black Friday or Black Thursday.

Ageism and Politics

The presidential election of 2012 has been acknowledged as a victory for diversity; a victory for the new face of a multicultural United States. Yet the Democratic Party missed reaching one important segment of the population; older adults. Surprisingly, the majority of older Americans voted Republican, in many cases against their own interest.

Ageism around the World

As the birthday card above underscores, ageist stereotypes abound, despite the fact that an increasing number of older men and women are living long, healthy, productive lives. Global aging is a reality. People are living longer. The number of older men and women is growing. At the same time, ageism is on the rise. Older workers increasingly find themselves battling negative and ageist stereotypes.  In a recent survey of people over sixty, nearly 80 percent reported experiencing ageism. Many workers feel that they are being ignored or not taken seriously because of their age.

I am a professor of psychology. I am also a women approaching “elder” status and have recently been exposed to numerous incidences of “ageism.” Some of these incidents are subtle. In a conversation with a younger colleague about the purchase of a new computer, for example, he stated that his mother had tried the computer and found it to be “age” friendly. In a recent meeting, I attempted to express my thoughts on a proposed project by pointing out that we had attempted a similar pattern of action in the past and it had not been successful. My comments were met with dismissal even derision. Disrespectful treatment to older workers, especially older women, is not new or rare. Ideas espoused by “older” workers are often met with condescension. Similar ideas and thoughts proposed by newly minted academics are more likely to viewed as new and cutting edge. While there are certainly many times when this scenario is the case, ageism usually shapes the treatment of older workers.  Indeed, recent studies have indicated that ageism is more widespread than sexism and racism. The Equal Employment Opportunity Commission has reported a more than 24 percent increase in the number of age-discrimination complaints filed this year compared with the previous two years. Employees over the age of 50 are considered "old" and report not being offered the same opportunities and support as younger colleagues.

Ageism, a term first proposed by gerontologist Robert Butler in the 1960’s, is a form of prejudice that results from a widespread and deep-seated fear of the aging process (Palmore, 2001). It encompasses prejudicial attitudes and discriminatory practices toward older adults and leads to a fear of one’s own aging as well as a general distancing from older people (Butler, 1963). Ageism is not based on biological factors alone; it is created and maintained by institutional, social, and cultural values that lead people to denigrate age. Cultural norms and values about old age are mired in metaphors of disability, decline, and death. Ageism is reinforced by widespread negative imagery. Ageist media portrayals are so widespread that they are often not even recognized. Denigration of age and the ideas of older adults lead them to denigrate themselves. It also promotes conformity to ageist stereotypes. 

The Gendered Face of Ageism

What’s more, gender bias compounds ageism. Older women are much more likely to be subjected to ageist treatment. Older women are subjected to “double jeopardy”—they are victims of age as well as gender discrimination. Ageism has been shown to lead to widespread marginalization, age inequality, ageist language, and age segregation.  Ageism is a central feminist issue which, unfortunately, is not often addressed by feminist scholars. It is widespread in institutions of higher education. As women in academic institutions age, they become increasingly invisible. Studies indicate that women who reach the highest ranks in academic institutions are often older than the men who reach these ranks--full professors; they therefore have a very short period of time before they begin to be subjected to ageist attitudes and treatment.

The internalization of ageist messages lead “elder” faculty to doubt their abilities, and lower their expectations for accomplishment. When not otherwise silenced they engage in self-silencing.  Younger colleagues, even female colleagues, tend to patronize older colleagues, especially older female colleagues.  Younger faculty are more likely to be viewed as dynamic, interesting, and influential, whereas older faculty especially female faculty are excluded or subjected to “mom-ism”. Although there are often campus organizations for various women to come together, very few address issues of identity and age. Older women, unlike women of color and lesbian women, have not focused research on their own identities. Older female faculty should become visible and vocal. They should study themselves and write about their own and other older women’s life experiences. They should incorporate issues of aging into their teaching and advocate for older women and men.

As academics devoted to diversity we should give voice and respect to all contributions. Institutional organizations which promote diversity, equality, and justice generally should also include the promotion of awareness of ageism. Awareness, advocacy, and scholarship, are key components of successfully combating ageism.

Ageism in Psychology

Studies have shown that ageism is widespread in clinical practice. There is a critical lack of psychologists, therapists, counselors, and social workers who are trained to work with older adults. Older patients are often viewed as set in their ways and unable to change their behavior. Given the growing number of older adults, this deficit in treatment presents a critical problem. Psychologists need to respond to ageism the same way they do when a person is discriminated against because of race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, or a disability. APA's Committee on Aging (CONA) has drafted a resolution against ageism that was approved by APA's Council of Representatives in February 2002. The resolution states that APA is against ageism "in all its forms" and emphasizes APA's commitment to support efforts to eliminate it. APA’s Div. 20 is working to counteract workplace and other age stereotypes by addressing the need for more trained gero-psychologists and promoting age-friendly environments for the growth and development of people of all ages, including older adults. To this point these baby steps have not had significant impact. As the birthday card below illustrates, ageism is the only “ism” which is widely accepted and reinforced by almost all forms of the media. 

 

For words of wisdom from the past, the great Persian poet Saadi who lived and wrote in the 13^th century:
In many lands I have wandered, and
wondered, and listened, and seen;
and many my friends and companions,
and teachers and lovers have been.
And nowhere a corner was there but I
gathered up pleasure and gain;
from a hundred gardens the rose-blooms,
from a thousand granaries grain.

I have spent many years studying, teaching, writing, traveling the world, I hope I still have something of value to say. I would like the opportunity to continue to share what I have learned, to contribute, I do not want to be silenced.

Dying in American

A change of Seasons

Fall weather is here bringing to a close what has been a summer of loss. My father died on May 23^rd. Two other friends passed away in June and August. Mourning the loss of a loved one is always hard. It is also difficult to know how to live, how to go one with activities, even social events when you are coping with a loss. Losing a loved one, especially a parent, leads to existential thoughts about life, death, one’s place in the world, and the unknown future that awaits us all.  People tend to fear the unknown and death, of course, is the greatest unknown.  Even though we all die, we tend to avoid thoughts and discussions of death. We spend hours thinking of possible futures, but very little time thinking about the future destiny that awaits us all.

In many societies the subject of death is taboo. Indeed, euphemistic language, statements like “passed away” “gone” further distances people from the reality of death. In the past such distancing was impossible; the specter of death was everywhere. People of all ages died, usually at home. In modern societies death has been removed from common experience. People die, usually late in life, often in hospitals. Out of the approximately 6,500 people who die in the U.S. every day, only 1200 die at home.

When my father died, we rushed about trying to organize a funeral. My father was an immigrant from Iran who came to the United States in his forties.  While he loved the United States and American customs and rituals, we discovered that he wanted to be buried among Iranians, among Muslims if possible. He also wanted a gravesite with a view. He had always bought houses on hillsides, and he wanted such a space for his final resting place. The day after he died, we frantically drove around the sprawling southern city where he spent his later years in an attempt to fulfill at least some of his wishes.

Funeral customs, of course, vary.  In our complex multi-national world it is sometimes difficult to fulfill the wishes of loved one who has died. Although there are similarities in burial customs and culturally designated mourning practices, each culture has its own way of marking life’s important  passages—including, of course, death and dying. Buddhists, for example, believe in reincarnation and see death as a transition to the next incarnation, bringing the soul closer to nirvana, a state of bliss. Funerals for Buddhists tend to be celebratory. Like Jewish and Muslim funerals, Hindu funerals are usually held within 24 hours of the death. Friends visit the family at home where the body is usually kept until cremation. Gifts of flowers are placed at the deceased’s feet. Jewish funerals also occur within 24 hours. Friends and extended family are welcomed during the seven-day shivah mourning period. In Islam, the dead are buried as soon as possible, preferably in 24 hours, in order to free the soul from the body. Like other religions, Christian funerals incorporate a variety of customs according to the wishes of the deceased and his or her family. The funeral can be held at a funeral home or a church, or a funeral home, typically within three days after the death. Most Catholic funerals include a wake, a funeral service, and prayers at the graveside where the body will be laid to rest.

Regardless of the customs followed, the rituals associated with the end of life provide comfort for those left behind. Rituals connect us with the deceased and with others who share our loss.  As s a culturally oriented psychologist, I study commonalities and differences between cultures; the use of rituals during both joyful and sad times is one of the few cultural universals. Rituals have been used in every historic period. As they did in the case of my father’s death, rituals provide comfort and stability during times of stress and transition. Studies have found that rituals help people reaffirm their connections to their relatives, their links to their community, and deepen their appreciation of the meaning of life. As immigrants we struggled to combine some of the traditions of my father’s background with contemporary customs. We buried my dad in a wooden casket on a sunny hill; we played Persian music and read some of his favorite poetry. We said goodbye to him, sadly, with regret, but with as much grace as we could gather under the circumstances.

Designated mourning periods also accompany each cultural tradition. These vary from 3 days to 40 days and longer depending on the relationship with the deceased.   I am often asked to speak to various community organizations on the “normal” process of mourning. During such times I draw on the work of Elizabeth Kubler-Ross who identified stages of grieving. These stages include: Shock; Denial; Anger; Bargaining; Depression; Realistic expectations about life without the loved one; Learning to move forward. Grieving is, of course, a deeply personal, as well as familial and cultural experience. How you grieve depends on numerous factors, including your personality and coping style, your life experience, your faith, and the nature of the loss. Healing occurs slowly. There is no “normal” timetable for moving forward. It is important to be patient and allow the process to unfold naturally. I spent the summer mourning my father. Now it is fall and the seasons are changing.  I‘ve gone back to teaching, I’ve reconnected with my research and writing. Life, as they say, must go on. I will think of my father each and every day, and yet the cycle of life advances. In two weeks my daughter is getting married--another life transition.  We will sense my father’s presence. He will be happy.  

 

 

 

 

Kaffee und Kuchen

Kaffee und Kuchen

I have been spending some days in Berlin. The weather has been typical--cool and crisp, occasionally rainy.  During the brief periods of sun Berliners eagerly make their way outdoors, to sit in cafés, to drink a coffee, or a beer. Then they might take a stroll in a park. I am sitting in a small café and have just spent a very pleasant 30 minutes chatting with a Hilda, a women in her 80’s who used a cane to make her way into the café.   As she entered she said, quite cheerfully:

“It’s a lovely afternoon, the sun is shining, I have just taken my walk in the Tiergarten and now I am having a coffee and cake.”

As the Turkish woman who runs the café greeted her pleasantly and took her order, she made her way to the small table next to mine and we began chatting. I told her I was visiting from the U.S. and that I taught and studied well-being and aging. She was excited to fill me in on her version of healthy aging.

“Walk, stay active, keep a positive attitude, cope with change, and strike up conversations with whoever is available and interested.”

In this case I was pleased to have become Hilda’s conversational partner. In a mere 30 minutes, she had stunningly summarized 30 years of aging research. 

What Hilda did not say, what she took for granted; was her access to places where she could walk, drink coffee or eat a meal, and chat comfortably without being pressured to leave. Not all places provide the opportunity for these simple and important daily pleasures. In my work exploring third spaces (places and spaces that are not our homes or our places of work) cafés, parks with walking trails, fresh food markets, and reasonably priced restaurants, having access to such places promotes health and happiness for people of all ages.  But with age such access becomes crucial. Such access reduces isolation, promotes happiness and well-being. And yet older people often find themselves in isolated and isolating spaces.  Perhaps they fear going out into a “dangerous neighborhood.  Perhaps they cannot find a store that offers fresh healthy food at reasonable prices. 

Social science research has proven a direct relationship between physical and social activity and health and happiness. For many of us long working hours and lack of access to walking trails or to healthy often leads to lack of activity and poor eating habits, which, in turn, accounts for high rates of obesity and increases in diabetes and heart disease.

When you embark upon any journey the only certainty is that it will be very different from what you anticipate. For my three-week trip to Germany, my former home, I planned relatively structured days of work and family visits. Instead Berlin enticed me and I fell in love with the city. I walked for many miles in the Tiergarten and thought about the next stages of my work and my life. Berlin invites you to walk and think and the past, the present and the future.

You can’t really see or feel Berlin (or any place), if you don’t walk through the city. My walking days in Berlin left me with a sense of existential renewal, a freshened perspective. While I walked, I took breaks in cafés and had conversations with elders, like Hilda.  Accordingly, Berlin is a great place to explore the notion of third spaces. The Tiergarten (a large park in the middle of the city) is one of the greatest third spaces I have encountered. Spanning several Kilometers, like Central Park in NYC or Fairmont Park in Philadelphia, it is in the middle of Germany’s most populous city. It is a good place to exercise, relax, and walk with a friend, drink a beer, snack on a sausage or eat a meal. Because the Tiergarten is brightly lit up with lovely old-fashioned lights, it is possible to walk or jog at all hours. Bicycles are available for rent at almost every corner for 8 to 12 Euros a day.  Well-marked bike paths crisscross through the park and follow many of the major thoroughfares in the city.  In public spaces, there are many places to rest. Benches are often situated in front of lovely ponds. 

Even on cold winter days, Hilda takes daily walks in the Tiergarten. She makes her way along one of the paths to the café where we are now chatting. She says that it is about 2 kilometers from the cafe to her apartment. One of here neighbors, also in her 80’s, often accompanies here.  After coffee and cake, they do their daily marketing and walk home.

This access to fresh air, exercise, and fresh food has resulted in a healthier old age for Germany’s elders.  In Germany, roughly 25% of the population is over 65. Unlike much of the rest of the world, German elders are not terribly stressed about finances and the high cost of health care. Germany, in fact, provides universal health care for its citizens. Of course there are challenges to providing a wide ranges of services an increasingly large population of elders, especially given Germany’s low birth rate. Accordingly, Germany has one of the highest percentages of elders around the world. In the next 20 years, Germany expects to have 7 million fewer people of working age and 8.5 million more people who are ready to retire. There are now four workers supporting each retiree. Within a generation there could be just two. 

With important demographic changes taking place around the world, it is important to explore avenues that help the large number of older men and women stay healthy and happy and perhaps employed, at least on a part time basis. One important way of promoting well-being and happiness as people age is to provide health promoting infrastructures like the ones in Berlin.

Reflection on Norus

Norus: Reflecting on Spring Rituals

         Spring is celebrated and acknowledged in different ways around the world.  When I was a child one of the most important celebrations of spring was Norus. Norus is the Persian New Year. It is an ancient Zoroastrian holiday celebrated with rituals and traditions that focus on the beginning and end of life, rebirth, and good and evil in the world. For those who celebrate Norus, it is a holiday that provides an opportunity to take a break from the life’s routine; to take stock; to reflect; to make amends for past misdeeds; and to clean and organize one’s physical, social, and psychological spaces.

          With age, this season takes on new meanings, the passing of time becomes more and more a time of reflection and reminiscence. In preparation for Norus, we clean and organize our houses, take care of money matters and attempt to deal with unfinished business. We plant flowers and seeds, buy new clothes,  repair household items and furniture, give gifts, make charitable donations.

The New Year begins at the exact moment of spring. Families gather around a special New Year table, the “haf-sin.” This table is spread with a cloth and arranged with items that represent the seasons of life. Special prayers, asking for health and happiness in the coming year, are read. At least seven different kinds of foods are placed on the haf-sin table. Each begins with the S called sin in Farsi. The foods are symbolic of life, health, wealth, abundance, love, patience, and purity. Sabzee ( wheat or lentil sprouts) represents rebirth; samanu (a creamy pudding made from wheat germ is regarded as purity) seeb (an apple) symbolizes health and beauty; senjid (dried fruit represents love) sir (garlic) is seen as medicinal and represents health; somagh (the sumac berry) is the color of sun and suggests the victory of good over temptations and evil, and serkeh (vinegar) or wine, represents  old age and patience.

Special New Year meals include rice with herbs “Sabzi polo,” fish, and Ash, a soup dish made from spinach and herbs, to which noodles are added for the New Year. The round shape of the noodles symbolizes the cycle and renewal of life. The first twelve days of the New Year is an important time. Shops are closed. Relatives visit each other, beginning with visits to elders. Children receive new money or eidi as New Year presents.

In Iran on the last Wednesday of the year (chahar shanbeh suri) bonfires are lit in public places. These fires represent enlightenment and happiness in the coming year. People of all ages leap over the flames, shouting and asking for health, happiness, and beauty; it is believed that this is a night when one’s ancestors visit. It is also a night to expel evil spirits and bring in good spirits. By the light of the bonfire, people, especially young boys, run through the streets banging pots and pans with spoons in order to beat out the last unlucky days of the old year. Like Halloween in the U.S., they knock on doors to ask for treats. In order to make wishes come true, special foods are baked and distributed, especially for older people and for those in need. Dried nuts, fruits, pistachios, roasted chick peas; almond, hazelnuts, figs, apricots, and raisins are mixed together and given away for good luck.

          On the 13th day of New Year, sizdeh bedar, it is considered unlucky to stay indoors. Accordingly, it is a day for picnicking. Windows and doors are left open in empty houses so that evil spirits and bad luck can be swept out with the fresh air. During the picnic, sabzee or greens grown from wheat or lentil seeds on the half-sin table are thrown into a stream or river or other running water to symbolize the passing of life and to remove bad luck from past deeds. After the 13^th day, one is rested and  renewed with new hope. The routine of life begins again.

          My Norus reflections this year lead me to thoughts of self-compassion. During this time of social and political criticism it is useful to think of compassion for others and ourselves. How can we view ourselves more kindly? This question is being addressed by psychologists. Sometimes it is easier to be supportive and understanding of others as we treat ourselves harshly by focusing on failures like being self-focused, unkind, over-indulgent.  Psychological research suggests that “giving ourselves a break” and accepting our imperfections may be the first step toward better health and happiness and even toward a better acceptance of the imperfections of others. People who score high on tests of self-compassion have less depression and anxiety in their lives, and tend to be happier and more optimistic. Researchers suggest that taking “compassion breaks,” meditating by repeating a  mantra like “I’m going to be kind to myself as well as others,” brings positive results. Self-compassion consists of self-kindness, common humanity (seeing ourselves as part of a larger human experience) and mindfulness.     

    

          The rites and rituals of Norus, honoring elders, organizing our lives; planting and gardening; walking in nature; having a picnic; reflecting and reminiscing; are also ideal for also developing self- compassion.  Make Norus a time of giving, a time of generosity to others and yourself, reflect on the past, be mindful about the present, resolve past conflicts, make plans for the future. Take time out to meditate and reminisce. Reminiscence can lead to making sense of past experiences, integrating the past with the present, (Who was I then) with (Who am I now). It can help us resolve past conflicts, help us shed past burdens and concerns, develop new purpose in life, make us happier and more satisfied with our connections and relationships.

    

The Healing Power of Third Spaces: My neighbor cut down his Japanese maple

Nature cures—not the physician.

Hippocrates

This morning I woke up to the unpleasant sound of a saw cutting down a lovely Japanese Maple tree in my neighbor’s small garden. This very pleasant man who is a “graphic artist” has been, to our amazement and dismay, systematically desecrating all of his bushes into the shape of unidentifiable stumps. His most recent carnage, however, is outrages. Running outside, I asked the man in charge of the tree cutting team what was going on? His response, this from a man who cuts down trees for a living, was to shake his head and say “I do not understand it; healthy Maple trees like this add value to your property.”

I often tell an old Sufi story in my courses on aging and health: A young prince was riding by on a horse when he spotted an old man struggling to plant a small tree. He stopped his horse and got down to help the old man. After the tree was planted, the prince said: “Agah why are you struggling to plant trees at a time of your life when you should be sitting in the shade of a tree?” The old man responded:  “I love sitting in the shade of a tree, but someone planted all the trees that have given me comfort during my life. As long as I am able, I want to plant trees for others to enjoy.”

The word paradise comes from the old Persian language. Paradise is visualized as a natural place filled with trees and flowers and streams. It is seen as peaceful place that promotes, not affluence or luxury, but contentment and happiness.  When I was a child in Iran walking to school in the dusty streets of Teheran, there were hundreds of newly planted small trees being watered daily, painstakingly by hand, in order to ensure their survival. These trees helped fight the endless pollution, they cleaned the air, just enough to make the walk a little more pleasant. The oldest tree in the world still lives in Iran.  This cypress tress is in the Yazd province, is from the dawn of civilization, it is 4000 years old, a shrine, a national monument. It is probably the oldest living thing in Asia.

In my work as a psychologist studying health and happiness in middle and later adulthood, there is a very interesting and promising area of study, eco psychology. Eco psychology focuses on the relationship between people and nature. The premise of eco-psychology is that there is a connection between all living things, when our connection with nature is severed we cannot thrive, we become unhappy, unhealthy, we lose sight of our true selves. All too often the importance and healing nature of the relationship between people and nature gets lost. Clearly my neighbor has lost his sight of this relationship.

When we stop to smell the flowers, walk up a hill or mountainside, sit in a field, the experience humbles us, it is also restorative and healing. After the frustration of my neighbor’s senseless act, the only thing I could do was take a walk in the park.  In the words of Søren Kierkegaard

Above all, do not lose your desire to walk.
Every day I walk myself into a state of well-being,
and walk away from every illness.
I have walked myself into my best thoughts,
and I know of no thought so burdensome
that one cannot walk away from it.