Reflections and Resolutions

Reflections and Resolutions

The great poet Hafiz said six hundred years ago “Time is the shop where everyone works hard to build enough love to break the shackle”

January 6, 2013, the holidays are officially over. On the weekly CBS news program, Sunday Morning, host Charles Osgood said that he would be turning 80 this week. He joins the more than 4 million Octogenarians (men and women over the age of 80) in the United States. Osgood played the piano and sang a moving song about coming to terms with experience of ageing, the passage of time, and wisdom. Of the countless people on television he is one that I most admire. He appears to be someone who lives in the present moment experiencing the vicissitudes of the world with a touch of humor.  

As I watched this program, which I look forward to each week, I simultaneously checked my email, read a student thesis paper, and glanced at an article in the Sunday morning newspaper. Multi-tasking has become so much a part of our lives that I did not notice that in the hour and a half that passed, I hadn’t bothered to reflect on the just ended first week of 2013.

The holidays tend to be filled with multi-faceted pleasures, anxieties, and expenses. It is a time when we contemplate the past, the present and and the future. For me it was a bittersweet holiday--visits to and from family and friends, spending time with my children, mother, siblings, cousins, and friends. I ate good food, drank some good wine, saw a memorable film (Lincoln) a read good book (The Secret Keeper by Kate Morton), took long walks, and thought about how I might to do everything better next year.

My resolutions are like those of most other people.  I want to exercise more, be healthier, kinder, and more patient.  In order to accomplish these modest goals, I want to have a deeper sense of the moments of my life. I do not want reach the age of 80 and wonder with regret what happened to the past 20 years.  The events of 2012, the loss of my father, the wedding of my daughter, a health concern, the fast pace of work; make my plans and resolutions for the New Year more urgent and meaningful. My reflections of on the old year and plans for the New Year increase my awareness of age and aging, of the passage of time. Another year has passed--all too quickly. I may not be able to slow down the sweep of time but I can become more mindful of its passing.

In recent years psychology has turned its attention to the notion of mindfulness, which has become a popular topic in research and in therapy. Mindfulness refers to a cognitive state in which we are focused on the present. It is a state in which we are aware of our thoughts and feelings, but avoid judging them.  These ideas, of course, are not new. They have long been present in Eastern religious and philosophical traditions. They are become increasingly relevant, however, in our fast paced world. In a world of multi-tasking most of us are rarely living in the present moment. We eat while we watch TV or read.  We text as we watch TV. We talk on the phone as we cook. We send incessant text messages or read Facebook at home at social gatherers or in restaurants. As a professor I have endlessly remind my students that they need to pay attention in class. It is not OK to text or surf the Web when they are sitting in my classes.

Social Psychologist Ellen Langer was one of the first scholars to write about mindfulness and aging. Even so, the benefits of “mindful” practices have long been recognized by nearly every religious tradition.  Even thought they date back for thousands of years, American psychologists have only recent begun to focus on the impact of mindfulness on psychological well-being. By the same token it is only recently that therapists have begun to incorporate mindfulness into their treatment plans.

The new focus on mindfulness, which has been called the “third wave” in psychological practice, has compelled therapists to help their clients to develop skills that can help them to be present in their day-to-day, moment-to-moment experiences.

It is not easy to be present in the moment, however. In her books, Mindfulness (2000) and Counterclockwise (2009), Ellen Langer says that mindfulness is “a flexible state of mind in which we are actively engaged in the present, noticing new things and sensitive to context.” When we are mindless, which is far more typical in contemporary social life, Langer goes on to suggest, mindlessness, we “act according to the sense our behavior made in the past, rather than the present ... we are stuck in a single, rigid perspective and we are oblivious to alternative ways of knowing.” (Langer, 2000, 2009).

Jon Kabat-Zinn, one of the leading scholars of mindfulness argues that being in the moment can create an openness that enables us to enjoy the present. The present is, after all, all we really have.  We plan for it, work toward it, and ruminate about it.  In our contemporary zeal we too often do too much to control our lives.  My resolutions for 2013 are to be more mindful, to limit multi-tasking, to listen intently, to pay attention, to be open and flexible, to travel and see more of the world, to try to see the lights side of life. What are your resolutions?

“Why not sing and dance”? Hafiz (Persian poet who lived from 1320-1389)

Shopping for Happiness on Bleak Friday

What can we do to have a happy and meaningful life? Researchers say that happiness is not something that can be acquired or achieved through material possessions. Yet this year some 147 million Americans are rushing to find shopping bargains on the day after thanksgiving, a day known as Black Friday. If the shopping frenzy that is associated with this day is supposed to make us look forward to the holiday season, the day would be more apply labeled Bleak Friday.

Americans are bombarded with shopping possibilities. At the same time those of us who research happiness know that people are no happier now than they were in the past. Happiness has not increased since the 1950’s. Living standards have increased, but happiness has not. Only about 45 % of the richest Americans say that they are happy, whereas 33% of poorer Americans also say that they are happy. More than two thousand years ago, Aristotle said that more than anything else we seek happiness, either for its own sake or in other things we hope and work for such as money, beauty, health, power. We hope these things will make us happy. Once we get above the poverty level, however, material things do not make us happy. In fact there is nothing like shopping on a Black Friday, with the frenzy of showing, pushing, grabbing, to make one feel down and depressed.   

Thanksgiving is approaching. Traditionally it has one of the few days when shops were closed.  In the absence of commercial activity, people visited with family, ate, drank, and told stories, watched parades and sports on television, or read books. This tradition has now changed. As the paragraph below indicates, even Thanksgiving is no longer a day to be shared with family and friends. The sacred god of shopping has descended on the 4^th Thursday in November bringing with it incredible sales that evidently cannot be passed up.

NEW YORK — Target Corp. will open its doors at 9 p.m. on Thanksgiving, three hours earlier than a year ago, to kick off the holiday shopping season. The discounter joins several other major retailers, including WalMart Stores Inc., that are opening earlier in the evening on the holiday and staggering deals over the two-day period. Over the years, stores have been expanding their hours on Black Friday to get ahead of the competition, but the kickoff is increasingly happening right after shoppers finish their turkey feast.

Shopping can be fun; it can provide a brief uplifting feeling, a touch of excitement. But are we really giving up one of the few days a year when we can spend time with family, something that has been proven to actually make us happier and healthier, in order to shop. What are we shopping for? Is it for the people we leave at home on Thanksgiving in order to go and buy things to give them on Christmas, or Hanukkah, or Kwanza?   Will this shopping frenzy fulfill something that is missing from our life?

What does make us happy? Researchers agree that our genes help, our families and friends help, a sense of spirituality helps, goals help, what else? Psychologist Carol Ryff has proposed six key components of well-being and happiness. These include positive self-regard or self-acceptance, satisfying relationships, a sense of direction and purpose in life, feeling that one is using one’s potential and abilities, that our lives have a purpose; having choices in shaping life; and a sense of awareness that we can manage the stresses and demands of life. Happy people also choose to see the world and themselves in positive and affirming ways. They surround themselves with happy people. Those people are not to be found in WalMart on Black Friday or Black Thursday.

Ageism and Politics

The presidential election of 2012 has been acknowledged as a victory for diversity; a victory for the new face of a multicultural United States. Yet the Democratic Party missed reaching one important segment of the population; older adults. Surprisingly, the majority of older Americans voted Republican, in many cases against their own interest.

Ageism around the World

As the birthday card above underscores, ageist stereotypes abound, despite the fact that an increasing number of older men and women are living long, healthy, productive lives. Global aging is a reality. People are living longer. The number of older men and women is growing. At the same time, ageism is on the rise. Older workers increasingly find themselves battling negative and ageist stereotypes.  In a recent survey of people over sixty, nearly 80 percent reported experiencing ageism. Many workers feel that they are being ignored or not taken seriously because of their age.

I am a professor of psychology. I am also a women approaching “elder” status and have recently been exposed to numerous incidences of “ageism.” Some of these incidents are subtle. In a conversation with a younger colleague about the purchase of a new computer, for example, he stated that his mother had tried the computer and found it to be “age” friendly. In a recent meeting, I attempted to express my thoughts on a proposed project by pointing out that we had attempted a similar pattern of action in the past and it had not been successful. My comments were met with dismissal even derision. Disrespectful treatment to older workers, especially older women, is not new or rare. Ideas espoused by “older” workers are often met with condescension. Similar ideas and thoughts proposed by newly minted academics are more likely to viewed as new and cutting edge. While there are certainly many times when this scenario is the case, ageism usually shapes the treatment of older workers.  Indeed, recent studies have indicated that ageism is more widespread than sexism and racism. The Equal Employment Opportunity Commission has reported a more than 24 percent increase in the number of age-discrimination complaints filed this year compared with the previous two years. Employees over the age of 50 are considered "old" and report not being offered the same opportunities and support as younger colleagues.

Ageism, a term first proposed by gerontologist Robert Butler in the 1960’s, is a form of prejudice that results from a widespread and deep-seated fear of the aging process (Palmore, 2001). It encompasses prejudicial attitudes and discriminatory practices toward older adults and leads to a fear of one’s own aging as well as a general distancing from older people (Butler, 1963). Ageism is not based on biological factors alone; it is created and maintained by institutional, social, and cultural values that lead people to denigrate age. Cultural norms and values about old age are mired in metaphors of disability, decline, and death. Ageism is reinforced by widespread negative imagery. Ageist media portrayals are so widespread that they are often not even recognized. Denigration of age and the ideas of older adults lead them to denigrate themselves. It also promotes conformity to ageist stereotypes. 

The Gendered Face of Ageism

What’s more, gender bias compounds ageism. Older women are much more likely to be subjected to ageist treatment. Older women are subjected to “double jeopardy”—they are victims of age as well as gender discrimination. Ageism has been shown to lead to widespread marginalization, age inequality, ageist language, and age segregation.  Ageism is a central feminist issue which, unfortunately, is not often addressed by feminist scholars. It is widespread in institutions of higher education. As women in academic institutions age, they become increasingly invisible. Studies indicate that women who reach the highest ranks in academic institutions are often older than the men who reach these ranks--full professors; they therefore have a very short period of time before they begin to be subjected to ageist attitudes and treatment.

The internalization of ageist messages lead “elder” faculty to doubt their abilities, and lower their expectations for accomplishment. When not otherwise silenced they engage in self-silencing.  Younger colleagues, even female colleagues, tend to patronize older colleagues, especially older female colleagues.  Younger faculty are more likely to be viewed as dynamic, interesting, and influential, whereas older faculty especially female faculty are excluded or subjected to “mom-ism”. Although there are often campus organizations for various women to come together, very few address issues of identity and age. Older women, unlike women of color and lesbian women, have not focused research on their own identities. Older female faculty should become visible and vocal. They should study themselves and write about their own and other older women’s life experiences. They should incorporate issues of aging into their teaching and advocate for older women and men.

As academics devoted to diversity we should give voice and respect to all contributions. Institutional organizations which promote diversity, equality, and justice generally should also include the promotion of awareness of ageism. Awareness, advocacy, and scholarship, are key components of successfully combating ageism.

Ageism in Psychology

Studies have shown that ageism is widespread in clinical practice. There is a critical lack of psychologists, therapists, counselors, and social workers who are trained to work with older adults. Older patients are often viewed as set in their ways and unable to change their behavior. Given the growing number of older adults, this deficit in treatment presents a critical problem. Psychologists need to respond to ageism the same way they do when a person is discriminated against because of race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, or a disability. APA's Committee on Aging (CONA) has drafted a resolution against ageism that was approved by APA's Council of Representatives in February 2002. The resolution states that APA is against ageism "in all its forms" and emphasizes APA's commitment to support efforts to eliminate it. APA’s Div. 20 is working to counteract workplace and other age stereotypes by addressing the need for more trained gero-psychologists and promoting age-friendly environments for the growth and development of people of all ages, including older adults. To this point these baby steps have not had significant impact. As the birthday card below illustrates, ageism is the only “ism” which is widely accepted and reinforced by almost all forms of the media. 

 

For words of wisdom from the past, the great Persian poet Saadi who lived and wrote in the 13^th century:
In many lands I have wandered, and
wondered, and listened, and seen;
and many my friends and companions,
and teachers and lovers have been.
And nowhere a corner was there but I
gathered up pleasure and gain;
from a hundred gardens the rose-blooms,
from a thousand granaries grain.

I have spent many years studying, teaching, writing, traveling the world, I hope I still have something of value to say. I would like the opportunity to continue to share what I have learned, to contribute, I do not want to be silenced.

Dying in American

A change of Seasons

Fall weather is here bringing to a close what has been a summer of loss. My father died on May 23^rd. Two other friends passed away in June and August. Mourning the loss of a loved one is always hard. It is also difficult to know how to live, how to go one with activities, even social events when you are coping with a loss. Losing a loved one, especially a parent, leads to existential thoughts about life, death, one’s place in the world, and the unknown future that awaits us all.  People tend to fear the unknown and death, of course, is the greatest unknown.  Even though we all die, we tend to avoid thoughts and discussions of death. We spend hours thinking of possible futures, but very little time thinking about the future destiny that awaits us all.

In many societies the subject of death is taboo. Indeed, euphemistic language, statements like “passed away” “gone” further distances people from the reality of death. In the past such distancing was impossible; the specter of death was everywhere. People of all ages died, usually at home. In modern societies death has been removed from common experience. People die, usually late in life, often in hospitals. Out of the approximately 6,500 people who die in the U.S. every day, only 1200 die at home.

When my father died, we rushed about trying to organize a funeral. My father was an immigrant from Iran who came to the United States in his forties.  While he loved the United States and American customs and rituals, we discovered that he wanted to be buried among Iranians, among Muslims if possible. He also wanted a gravesite with a view. He had always bought houses on hillsides, and he wanted such a space for his final resting place. The day after he died, we frantically drove around the sprawling southern city where he spent his later years in an attempt to fulfill at least some of his wishes.

Funeral customs, of course, vary.  In our complex multi-national world it is sometimes difficult to fulfill the wishes of loved one who has died. Although there are similarities in burial customs and culturally designated mourning practices, each culture has its own way of marking life’s important  passages—including, of course, death and dying. Buddhists, for example, believe in reincarnation and see death as a transition to the next incarnation, bringing the soul closer to nirvana, a state of bliss. Funerals for Buddhists tend to be celebratory. Like Jewish and Muslim funerals, Hindu funerals are usually held within 24 hours of the death. Friends visit the family at home where the body is usually kept until cremation. Gifts of flowers are placed at the deceased’s feet. Jewish funerals also occur within 24 hours. Friends and extended family are welcomed during the seven-day shivah mourning period. In Islam, the dead are buried as soon as possible, preferably in 24 hours, in order to free the soul from the body. Like other religions, Christian funerals incorporate a variety of customs according to the wishes of the deceased and his or her family. The funeral can be held at a funeral home or a church, or a funeral home, typically within three days after the death. Most Catholic funerals include a wake, a funeral service, and prayers at the graveside where the body will be laid to rest.

Regardless of the customs followed, the rituals associated with the end of life provide comfort for those left behind. Rituals connect us with the deceased and with others who share our loss.  As s a culturally oriented psychologist, I study commonalities and differences between cultures; the use of rituals during both joyful and sad times is one of the few cultural universals. Rituals have been used in every historic period. As they did in the case of my father’s death, rituals provide comfort and stability during times of stress and transition. Studies have found that rituals help people reaffirm their connections to their relatives, their links to their community, and deepen their appreciation of the meaning of life. As immigrants we struggled to combine some of the traditions of my father’s background with contemporary customs. We buried my dad in a wooden casket on a sunny hill; we played Persian music and read some of his favorite poetry. We said goodbye to him, sadly, with regret, but with as much grace as we could gather under the circumstances.

Designated mourning periods also accompany each cultural tradition. These vary from 3 days to 40 days and longer depending on the relationship with the deceased.   I am often asked to speak to various community organizations on the “normal” process of mourning. During such times I draw on the work of Elizabeth Kubler-Ross who identified stages of grieving. These stages include: Shock; Denial; Anger; Bargaining; Depression; Realistic expectations about life without the loved one; Learning to move forward. Grieving is, of course, a deeply personal, as well as familial and cultural experience. How you grieve depends on numerous factors, including your personality and coping style, your life experience, your faith, and the nature of the loss. Healing occurs slowly. There is no “normal” timetable for moving forward. It is important to be patient and allow the process to unfold naturally. I spent the summer mourning my father. Now it is fall and the seasons are changing.  I‘ve gone back to teaching, I’ve reconnected with my research and writing. Life, as they say, must go on. I will think of my father each and every day, and yet the cycle of life advances. In two weeks my daughter is getting married--another life transition.  We will sense my father’s presence. He will be happy.